Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bride's LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 3rd, 2007
12:39 pm	A lot has changed & a lot has stayed the same The previous boss I complained about is no longer my boss!!! Gotta love the Saints I've been praying to. My new boss doesn't care if I get overtime.....yet (they)-the boss doesn't care if I work overtime. :~) gotta love that but I don't know how long it will last. Someone's gonna catch on. I've had to move offices. That's fine because I used to be across from Wicked Old Boss. The only thing is I've had to move all of the paper contents myself!! I guess that's God's way of telling me I CAN DO THIS!!! If I can do it at work I can do it at home. Hubby didn't come visit this weekend & he's not coming next weekend so I had the ENTIRE weekend alone. We spent a large part of it talking on the phone. I spent ZERO of it cleaning!!! I have a problem. There was a fire last Monday in the apartment in front of us. I came home & after a while I noticed that the bedroom window was open. I started having all of these ideas like (1) I'm going crazy (2) I have a ghost. (3) someone's been in here. I have a hording problem. It's not as bad as the woman who was on Oprah a couple of weeks ago but it's not good. My bedroom looks like holy hell!!! Why is it easier for me to simply climb over the mound of crap instead of sorting through it & throwing away what I need to throw away? Each day I came home I expected to see an eviction notice on the door. My landlord is so forgiving!!! We were the first tentants like over 20 years ago so I grew up here. I know I'm being given all kinds of slack. I pray it continues. I asked Hubby about buying a house for $80,000. I saw a house for about that much I think I can manage the house payment on that. In case we got evicted I saw that as an option. I told Hubby later about the fire. The next morning I saw a stove on the front lawn that was burned up. You'd think I'd be able to smell the smoke??? Nahhh not with my allergies. So now when I sit alone at home I have this sense that someone's going to come in.......It's odd that now after Pops has been in the nursing home for 2 years I'm just now feeling alone. Hubby's also been living 80 miles away for maybe 3 months or so so it is the first time I'm alone. Last week Hubby I & bought 2 fish. The fish seller girl asked me "are you planning on keeping them in that bowl?!!" I should have said "what's it got to do with you?!!" But I said "yes." She went on to tell me how that bowl was designed for only one fish-I was going to get 4. The fish are gold fish that cost $.12 each!!! So I told her two instead of four. They need to have company. So I spend my time emptying the fish water. I was able to spy the small acuarium I have but it's buried under a mound of crap so I didn't want to tug it out. I just pray I don't get evicted. Why is it easier to live with crap than to just throw it away? I threw out so much in my office. I was going to point out that the mound of trash bags at work on the lawn belonged to me. That was until I noticed that the mound stayed there for a couple of hours. Then it became an embarassment!!! They eventually took away the mound. Now I have a small mound of crap to clear out. I tell myself "if you haven't missed it or noticed it by now you can just throw it away." I'm astounded by the stuff that I actually remember where I've put! So long for now. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
12:28 pm	Work, Is Anybody Satisfied?? How did you decide to do what you're doing? I actually went to school for my chosen field & I have a 2 year degree. I thought "Oh, I'll do this for now." Here I am years later and I'm still doing the same type of work. I toy with the idea of changing fields all the time but I hate chemistry and math!!!!!! So I guess I'm screwed!! When I daydream I think up ideas like being an elderly companion, driving a cab, buying a laptop & being an on call gal Friday for computer problems. I love that computer idea because I can sit all day long & tell the dummy next door how to attach a file 150 times before I get frustrated. I look at my parents. They came up during the time that it was normal for a person to work the same job until they retired. I may be able to do that too....maybe...I just don't know. I feel so awful and alone. I think the only reason my husband and I are living is to pay bills. I hear all of this crap about global warming etc. and I think truly if the world ended tomorrow I wouldn't be upset about it. I've had a good run, eaten more than my fair share of crab legs & lobster. It's O. K. Just make it quick. I was a lonely neglected child so I didn't grow up with this grand idea that "I want to be a Doctor." I really just wanted to die. I stopped that way of thinking but I know I haven't stopped that way of living. I have this idea of making large paintings in my storage space I pay $35 a month to rent out. If I had any brains at all I'd paint at least ONE painting a month & try to sell it for the $35 but I don't......so my husband has that to harp on how I'm "wasting money" on that. He doesn't understand that painting is messy-in spite of the fact that I haven't painted in 10 years. You need space to let your paintings sit & dry. You CAN NOT paint properly in a small apartment bathroom!!!! I'm crazy. I know it. Does anyone else ever think like this? I pray that if I ever have children they will have definate ideas of what they want to do & pursue those. I wasn't ever encouraged. In fact, whenevr I mentioned something I'd get knocked down. My husband still laughs at me when I mention something I'd like to do........the truth is I feel so overwhelmed and unmotivated I think I'll keep doing what I've been doing. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:15 pm	Just Me I haven't posted here in forever. I'm not sure when I'll be interrupted so I'm posting quick. I have an angel on one shoulder & a devil on the other. The angel tells me "Bride you've done so well with nothing. Many people couldn't be able to hold down a job like you're doing." The devil says "Bride, you're stupid!! Why don't you want to improve yourself? Why don't you try to make more money?" I've been having problems at work. Namely, my big mouth!!!! I HATE my boss. HATE is too kind a word. My boss LOVES to sit me in her office and say "X is trying to get you fired......" then she goes on to talk about how she's such a hard core ganster. I feel like a total full for putting up with it. The truth if the matter is I have sick time, vacation, heath insurance and a retirement plan. On top I know that for the type of work that I do the money I make is satisfactory even above average in my area. That's why I put up with it. When I knew this person was going to be my supervisor I can't say I gave a lot of thought to it. It makes my life hell. Truly hell. This year my husband and I made the most we've ever made because he's working full time. I cry to him on a regular basis about my job. He's really sweet. He asked why I don't hope that he gets a job paying him a lot more than he's making now. I know I have this huge insane fairy tale way of thinking. There are days when I hate my job and there are days when I can come in & basically not be bothered so I relish those days and dread knowing that the hell days will come up. My fear is that I'm only going to slid down the ladder of success. I don't have faith that I'll ever earn more. Am I the only person who feels this way? Please comment!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 16th, 2006
1:50 pm	Marriage I read an interesting entry from "bertine"  on bertine.org The way she describes her loneliness is so poignant. I wonder though when I've felt that way would I have opened up to anyone else? Would I have accepted a friend, any friend who would have been there? I remember a therapist who suggested I join this club where people dress up in old timey clothes. I thought "I love those kinds of clothes but I could NEVER join up with something like that." I guess I just thought of the people as strange. I made a conscious decision to find someone to marry and I do believe that God sent me my husband. There have been times when I've felt like I just wish he'd disappear. I hate fighting. I especially hate fighting about why I don't "clean." I know it's for the best. I know I should but I don't feel like I can. You know today I actually went in W's closet. It smells like cat piss. Of course I can't fit ANYTHING in there but the fact that I went in there was great. I'm starting to warm to the idea of just throwing away the junk & actually using the closet like a closet! I'd love to give the clothes to the "needy" but they are HORRIBLY dirty!! At the laundry the last time hubby & I went I left a pair of pants. I told Hubby that someone would take them I suppose they did because I can't imagine they are there now. My husband said an incredibly sweet thing this weekend. I was in his bed yes, we sleep in separate rooms. The reason for that is we can't agree on what to watch so we're both happier this way. I come visit him though. He'll pat on the bed. He was holding me & saying how we are 2 to take care of each other and I feel that is the feeling or reason why people get married. It's not sick or unhealthy to depend on another person. It's natural and right the Feminists were wrong. I wasn't counseled by my mother to go out there & have a career. I was actually treated like I was stupid. I told my mother when she asked me at like 10 years old what I wanted to do that I wanted to "be the person who owns buildings." She replied "no one owns buildlings." Obviously she didn't think about real estate. She's such an ass I hate her for even saying that. I still remember that to this day. Now here I am so many years later & I'm contemplating buying my first rental property. I haven't done it & if I don't move quick I may not get it. But I'm considering it so she can eat crap!!! She's a total idiot!!! She thought nothing of adopting me & taking a short time off & shipping me off to a babysitter. I don't think she even wanted to raise me and she didn't. I left her home as soon as I could. So I just want to say that longing for human companionship & comfort aren't sick desires they are natural. It's natural to want to have someone to depend on. I feel my husband and I can do so much more together than apart.  I'm also aware that sometimes the universe sees fit to rip you away from your loved ones.  So I'm very conscious of that.  I'm thinking of Ekaterina Gordeeva, figure skater.  She had what seemed to be the perfect life, perfect husband and her husband died suddenly.  So I'm aware that when things seem good they turn terrible.  My husband & I actually talk about this.  I tell him I want him to take care of my cats.  We talk about our life insurance.  He told me he wants to purchase a very large insurance :~) it made me smile.  Of course it can seem incredibly morbid but I think we are smart to think and plan for things.  With Sept 911 if more working class people had purchased life insurance they wouldn't be in such a terrible financial state.  But I understand when you really just don't have the money to spend on it.   Enough for now. (Comment on this)
9:49 am	Life I have to do this quickly, unfortunately. My husband and I are doing better all the time. My husband has been trying really hard not to grip about my non cleaning. That makes me so happy! I've been working harder to "cook." So he's been happy. He has to study for this upcoming test so he can teach. He feels he'll get a better job that way. I hope so but I've seen how quickly teachers get fired at the drop of a hat so I don't know. With his job now he works at night. That is actually good for us because we have less time to spend fighting. I'll write more later. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
2:45 am	State of Affairs When I look at my journal I feel it's so inadequate. I want to go deeper, get even more personal. My mother called me today which is a shock!! I was pissing & moaning about how she never calls. I think she actually missed us. My husband & I have been going to her house to spend the night. My parents were divorced/separated when I was like 9 so I hadn't spent the night alone with her since I was 10. Now 2 decades and a half later my hubby & I like to spend the night. Why? Well her home is immaculate! Or it appears to be immaculate. I got on my hands & knees & looked underneath the bed & there's this huge splat of dog or cat crap hahaha!!! So even miss perfect has animal crap on the floor. My mother & I have this strange relationship. She does incredibly hurtful things. I don't feel she stands up to me with her bigotted family. Her sister had this 50 anniversary party and you know she managed to invite my sibling but not me. In fact, I was right there when she invited my sibling. I remember her saying "don't forget Staturday" I asked my mother what's Saturday & she told me what it was and she was sure to add "it won't be fun like my party." This happened at my mother's party. Anyway I can't even think about that crap because it upsets me so bad. There is a racial issue involved. Anyway I'm fine...for the moment. I think she really missed us. We're both sick & coughing but we don't necessarily feel bad. ---this situation with my mother. I know she can't change her family BUT she can very well express her displeasure with their behavior. Anyway I can definately say this is showing me how NOT to treat my as yet unborn children. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
2:17 am	It's Been A Long Time! My husband and I are closer. He's no longer threatening to leave me every second day. I'm scared to death about immigration. This is the only place where I can type the I word. We contemplated this morning going to our I service station & making an appointment. I suppose I worry for no reason. I worried my husband couldn't come to this country. Now he's here beside me-laying on the couch and I'm worried he won't be able to stay. I guess I should give it a rest & be positive? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
4:53 pm	Nicholas Berg O. K. I've seen the video on computer. Something's fishy. First of all when all of the slime are standing behind Berg the camera is rock steady. There is a scream BEFORE there is even any movement toward Berg! There were definately two cameras used for whatever reason. Looking at the video I couldn't help but feel something was missing. It would have been different if the camera had remained still. But the camera does a Blair Witch where you can't see anything. In the end you see what may or may not be a human being. The whole thing is sick! I don't think Berg was "greedy" per se but I do think he was foolish with his life! I suppose he's not the only man to look at a war for an opportunity to prop up your business. Too bad his parents couldn't convince him that his life was worth more than that. Nobody can help Iraq! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
4:37 am	Strange Dream I had a strange dream about my mother. I really didn't sleep much. I think in the dream she called me & told me that she was thinking about me on my birthday. I asked how my sibling was & she said something like they were gone & she was dealing with it. Whatever. I really can't say it was a dream because I hardly went to sleep. Again my nixed, ignored or neglected B-day bothers me. If I do see Big Boss today I may say something. I sort of just want them to know the situation!!!! I think someone should know. X is putting on this front like they are the best in the world but I feel I want to show some light on the fungus! (Comment on this)
1:19 am	Nicholas Berg Nicholas is the 26 year old man beheaded in Iraq. A word that I saw on a yahoo message board keeps coming back in my mind. The word is "greedy." Of course the person who typed that is an idiot. They said something like he got what he deserved because he was greedy. I don't agree but I do have to look at that statement again and again. The news is going crazy portraying this young man as someone who was trying to "rebuild Iraq." Maybe. I can't say that money wasn't in this young man's brain when he volunteered to go to hell. I've seen memebers of this young man's family and they portray him as someone who wanted to help. I suppose that could be true but I can't understand it? To me personally there is no amount of money or no honor that would make me go to any of those hell on Earth places. No money at all! This incident makes me want to tell Bush to just drop the bomb on Iraq and start over. I do believe we have no business there. I predict if we turn Sadaam over to them they'll just let him loose! It's hell on Earth like other places. We can do mothing over there. Let those people build their own infrastructure! Let them figure it out. The prisoner abuse. I believe like others that orders were given from on high. I heard Rush Limbaugh extrapolating on his comment that the photos looked "like a skull & bones initiation." Interesting. How would he know what an iniciation looks like? Let me connect the dots. Bush is a member of skull & bones, correct? What happened to the prisoners was bad. I've heard even worse. On World News a prisoner who'd been released said he witnessed a 12 year old girl being brought in an area where her brother was kept. She was nude. She was beaten and she called out for her brother. That story kills me inside. I tend to believe it! In that same interview the man tells of a son being forced to carry jugs of water naked or maybe the boy's father was the one carrying the water. Either way the father was hooded and when the hood was taken off the boy collapsed at seeing his father in that condition. Crap goes on during war. I in no way believe that those idiots in Iraq would ever come to the United States and wreck havoc! NEver!! Once people get here they get seduced by the quick and easy sex. If they're educated they get seduced by the money they make. People aren't blowing themselves up in the streets in the United States why? Because we have too much diversion. Why would someone who's obtained the ultimate dream of coming here do that? The 911 bombers where of a different sort. They had religious conviction. Most people don't have that much conviction. Things are bad. I feel bad for people who can't turn the television off. I feel bad for people who feel like they have to expose their children to this nonsense! I think the answer is for us to get the hell out of Iraq. We need to stop sending our manufacturing jobs overseas. We need to keep them here! We need to isolate from the rest of the world! I'm not saying close the borders but I'm saying we need to not be dependent on the rest of the world because they certainly don't care about us. Whatever happens to us others smile and say well they had it coming. Again, I have to say we have no business in Iraq! Let them figure things out for themselves. We're only over there for the oil and for Bush's venteda against Saadam. If Bush and all of the rest of the old men who run the country had to go fight themselves we'd see a different situation. This whole situation makes me want to say screw them and we all know who them are. We are all priming for a World War III the religious one and perhaps that's what we need. I run into so many people who feel comfortable enough with me personally to talk crap about the US. Of course they're all citizens now and lots of their family member sare here. If they were still in their home countries perhaps their view would be different. Of course none of them want to leave this country but they can talk crap about it all day long. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 9th, 2004
8:13 pm	Mother's Day What are my thoughts about Mother’s Day? I’m glad you asked. If you are one of those wonderful mothers out there then I salute you. If you’re like my mother. Well, if you’re like my mother I don’t know what to say. There has to be some sort of Anti-Mother’s Day support group or something? Perhaps I’ll start one. Are there any other people out there whose mothers don’t send them birthday cards? I really can’t go into my childhood but let’s just say my mother was less than motherly to me. No, I didn’t get beaten or sexually molested. Just ignored and neglected a whole hell of a lot. Of course I was one of those children who didn’t necessarily want a whole lot of parental...what’s the word interference. When ever my mother would leave her drunken, gun toting, ass of a husband she’d look at me and say “isn’t this place nice it has a pool.” As if that solved all of the world’s problems. Of course I never got to enjoy any of the pools because she would quickly go back to the drunken asshole. I resent that she never felt that type of environment might not be the best for me. I dislike my mother for not thinking about me ever. One of my friends on this site is having a nightmare with her mother and my heart goes out to her. I really wouldn’t put it past my mother to try some same type of crap with me if/when I have children. That’s why I think the no contact situation we have now is preferable. I was telling someone how I hadn’t talked to her in two years and they said “don’t you think it’s time to do something about it.” Like what? I will NEVER go back to being ignored. The bitch chose to go shopping for a lawn mower instead of letting me take her for a Mother’s Day dinner! BITCH!!!! I look at myself and say is there something about me that makes me a sort of person people don’t want to be around. I really don’t think so. Perhaps with my family yes. Because I refuse to sit & smile like an idiot. Now when my feelings are hurt I will ask about the situation and that’s what they don’t like. I’m not permitted to have feelings or stand up for myself. If you’re a good mother then fine wonderful for you but I know I’m not the only person with a psycho for a mother. You get to a certain point where you have to cut the ties. I am NOT going to allow her to say “I’m tired.” When I ask her to go to an event or even to go to eat. If my sibling were to ask her she’d go. I will no longer allow myself to be treated as less than I deserve to be treated. I’ve told them I’ve been treated better by strangers in the street and that’s the truth! The truth! TOPS is working my nerves. I promise if I had a million dollars I’d be gone so fast it wouldn’t be funny. I wonder about morbid things. Maybe in a way TOPS is saving me because people like TOPS and maybe cut them some slack but if I were to be here alone maybe people wouldn’t be so generous? I wonder about trying to buy a place on my own. Hubby was so sweet he kept singing & singing Happy Birthday. He doesn’t know the complete song & he doesn’t unciniate. He merges it so it sounds like “Happy birsssday.” TOPS said his throat was going to be sore & said we should spend money on singing lessons. I don’t remember Hubby singing that for me before!! It makes me happy to hear it! It makes me laugh. Hubby said something like now he’s doing what he should have done before. I wonder if I’ll introduce Hubby to MD (Mommie Dearest). Doubt it. Why? That bitch could care less when my birthday is. No card, no nothing. I mean what message is that sending to me? I suppose I’m suppose to say sorry for something I never did. I could care less. I could do like other people do and announce my B-day at work so that people feel compelled to get a cake or do something. But I don’t care. If it’s not genuine it’s nothing. I had to buy a cake & crap for a co-worker...I actually had to order the cake and gift!!! That sets me on another topic. Work. I’m just tired of everyone. I suppose I’m lucky because for the most part I get left alone. I regret when I tell TOPS things & they get thrown back in my face. We went to the Big Store. I regret that. I can buy sea food there and I do. But I have to spend like 3 hours there. There is a time when you have to grow up and say my childhood was the pits but I made it through. Does that also mean you have to take the same crap you were handed as a child? I’m th baby so I get treated like that. No support just ridicule. I will no longer stand for that. It’s sad I feel sad on Mother’s Day. Perhaps when I have children of my own and my husband makes me breakfast and celebrates the day with me I’ll feel differently. I’ll know there are two women out there who are my mother who refuse to acknowledge me or treat me with the dignity and respect I derserve and until they can do that they don’t deserve to be a part of my life. (Comment on this)
7:30 pm	What are my thoughts about Mother’s Day? I’m glad you asked. If you are one of those wonderful mothers out there then I salute you. If you’re like my mother. Well, if you’re like my mother I don’t know what to say. There has to be some sort of Anti-Mother’s Day support group or something? Perhaps I’ll start one. Are there any other people out there whose mothers don’t send them birthday cards? I really can’t go into my childhood but let’s just say my mother was less than motherly to me. No, I didn’t get beaten or sexually molested. Just ignored and neglected a whole hell of a lot. Of course I was one of those children who didn’t necessarily want a whole lot of parental...what’s the word interference. When ever my mother would leave her drunken, gun toting, ass of a husband she’d look at me and say “isn’t this place nice it has a pool.” As if that solved all of the world’s problems. Of course I never got to enjoy any of the pools because she would quickly go back to the drunken asshole. I resent that she never felt that type of environment might not be the best for me. I dislike my mother for not thinking about me ever. One of my friends on this site is having a nightmare with her mother and my heart goes out to her. I really wouldn’t put it past my mother to try some same type of crap with me if/when I have children. That’s why I think the no contact situation we have now is preferable. I was telling someone how I hadn’t talked to her in two years and they said “don’t you think it’s time to do something about it.” Like what? I will NEVER go back to being ignored. The bitch chose to go shopping for a lawn mower instead of letting me take her for a Mother’s Day dinner! BITCH!!!! I look at myself and say is there something about me that makes me a sort of person people don’t want to be around. I really don’t think so. Perhaps with my family yes. Because I refuse to sit & smile like an idiot. Now when my feelings are hurt I will ask about the situation and that’s what they don’t like. I’m not permitted to have feelings or stand up for myself. If you’re a good mother then fine wonderful for you but I know I’m not the only person with a psycho for a mother. You get to a certain point where you have to cut the ties. I am NOT going to allow her to say “I’m tired.” When I ask her to go to an event or even to go to eat. If my sibling were to ask her she’d go. I will no longer allow myself to be treated as less than I deserve to be treated. I’ve told them I’ve been treated better by strangers in the street and that’s the truth! The truth! TOPS is working my nerves. I promise if I had a million dollars I’d be gone so fast it wouldn’t be funny. I wonder about morbid things. Maybe in a way TOPS is saving me because people like TOPS and maybe cut them some slack but if I were to be here alone maybe people wouldn’t be so generous? I wonder about trying to buy a place on my own. Hubby was so sweet he kept singing & singing Happy Birthday. He doesn’t know the complete song & he doesn’t unciniate. He merges it so it sounds like “Happy birsssday.” TOPS said his throat was going to be sore & said we should spend money on singing lessons. I don’t remember Hubby singing that for me before!! It makes me happy to hear it! It makes me laugh. Hubby said something like now he’s doing what he should have done before. I wonder if I’ll introduce Hubby to MD (Mommie Dearest). Doubt it. Why? That bitch could care less when my birthday is. No card, no nothing. I mean what message is that sending to me? I suppose I’m suppose to say sorry for something I never did. I could care less. I could do like other people do and announce my B-day at work so that people feel compelled to get a cake or do something. But I don’t care. If it’s not genuine it’s nothing. I had to buy a cake & crap for a co-worker...I actually had to order the cake and gift!!! That sets me on another topic. Work. I’m just tired of everyone. I suppose I’m lucky because for the most part I get left alone. I regret when I tell TOPS things & they get thrown back in my face. We went to the Big Store. I regret that. I can buy sea food there and I do. But I have to spend like 3 hours there. I saw someone who caught my eye. It was interesting. They looked like a russian figure skater. They kept staring at me & I stared & smiled or tried to. I'm not used to flirting. I kept hoping I'd see them again but of course they were gone quickly. THey were very tall!! Maybe like 6'5". Part of this----unhappiness I feel is due to life in general. I know I'm so lucky! I have a fabulous husband who loves me and would do anything for me and I'm so lucky for that but we are still kept apart by circumstances. We now have those papers but due to his duties we are aparty. One person I'm fairly friendly with was telling me to just tell him to leave. Well there is something called an employment recommendation. If you leave your boss high and dry they aren't apt to write you a good recommendation and those things count! It's not like he was just making french fries. He is part of an important group! If he leaves it will be bad all the way around. Now I'm calm about it but there were times when I just demanded he come. I even said I needed company. Anyway the time is and will go quickly! It could be in just like 8 months!! That's quick compared to the 2 years we've wated actually more than 2 it's been like 5. He thinks to the first time we had sex & he thinks that we could have a 4 year old now!! So funny he thinks that way!!!! I don't think that. I think if it turns out we can't have kids that we'll regret not getting pregnant in that time but really he wasn't using a condom...they hurt :~) so it was possible...it didn't happen. I'm on the pill now. Actually my last pack just ran out so I have to wait until the 17th before I get more. Anyway this was suppose to be about mother's day. I say if you are a good mother than by all means you should have a day but if you're a psycho don't expect anything! It's not deserved. (Comment on this)
5:56 pm	Prayers Answered! Hubby and I have one of the required documents for entry to this country! After two years of praying, cursing and being heartbroken things have worked in our favor. But there's a catch. He's taken a fairly important job and it won't be over until January he thinks. He IS coming in August so I'm so glad about that. I do feel like a spoiled brat because what I've wanted to happen has happened but there is a stone on my heart. The lawyer's office is full of assholes! Of course they will use our story as one of their successes and they've done absolutely nothing! But because I payed them money they can claim success. Whenever I call I never talk to the lawyer of course I get "* is busy can you call back in 15 minutes." I call back 15 minutes later & get the same thing. I ask my assanine question by the tone of the assssisstant's voice. I'm just an ignorant hick with a nonsense question. I also "lost" my passport. I actually mailed it to the WRONG address!! Yes it's all my fault. I wrote to the wrong address & that letter came back as return to sender. But the passport hasn't come back...I"m thinking that they receive millions through the mail so they knew the right place to send it & they sent it there. I hate to lose all of my things in there along with this VISA. Supposively since I have copies of the visa I can have it put in a new passport. It's a pain in the ass. See nothing in my life can go smoothly I have to do something to fuck it up. I need to send this before it disappears. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
5:16 pm	First X Mas With Hubby I´m with hubby. We´re on the same continent for once. It´s nice. When I´m with him especially in the middle of the night & he´s hugging me I think "what was all of the fuss about. This is so nice why don´t I just pack up & relocate?" We have another big date in March so wish us luck & wish that we get the required documents. Being in a place like this well it does make me miss home. Being here at this internet cafe connects me with the world. I can see what´s happening in the US. I can type in my journal. I can feel human. At hime there is no tv. Let me repeat. NO TV!!! I´m having major withdrawl!! NO TV!!! I guess it was good in a way to ween myself off of it or better said to go cold turkey. I miss American TV though. I think if we would have spend the $100 for a TV I´d still miss it because we wouldn´t have cable so I´d be stuck watching this language TV that I don´t fully understand. I do feel no matter what happens I will be with Hubby One day somewhere. WHATEVER!! They may be able to deny him papers but they can´t keep us apart. I do want to find a place to buy patterns here. I saw a sewing machine there has to be a place that sells patterns. What else can I say? We went to the circus. Not without a HUGE blow up fight because HUBBY was not wanting to take the train. He wasn´t sure where it would go. I told him we´d just see the circus from the train & get off. WELL We finally found a very nice young man. At first he didn´t understand us but he came around to where we were & I pointed to the sign for the circus then he knew & walked with us & rode with us & told us where to get off he had to go to work but that was SOOO nice. I mean why did he do that? He even watched out when I sat down & he tapped the glass to tell me to get up hahah! NICE!! SUPER NICE!!! We had a good time!! I got to see lions, tigers, elephants, acrobats, they even had people of my racial persuasion there that was so nice to see!!! There was a moment when I was buying the tickets I think that I felt "here I am interracting in another language and I feel great!!!" I know more of this language than I speak...I just say words & people catch on. So I love my husband and I´ll live with him where I can. This place gives me a strange feeling. It´s a city much larger than were I live but it´s still a "village" so hubby says. I see people working and I think people all over are the same they all get up in the morning to go to work, work & come home! (Comment on this)
Friday, December 5th, 2003
11:40 am	The Opt-Out Revolution I found this link http://www.reason.com/cy/cy110403.shtml from my favorite LJ link provider Bertine and I thank her! Is the “glass ceiling” a matter of choice? I believe in some cases that terminology isn’t correct. It’s one thing if a woman can’t climb the corporate ladder because the man is holding her down or if she has no access to funds for her education. It’s another entirely if a woman decides to go off on her own way. In the latter case I do not see any glass ceiling. I see a woman stepping off the ladder by choice. These women echo my sentiments. They’ve been hoodwinked to think that a career is the answer. If a woman is married to a financially successful, stable man and the woman really doesn’t want to change the world why would she work? Why would she put her child in daycare? Oprah Winfrey comes to mind. I’ll say she’s one of the most successful businesswomen on Earth and she chooses not to have a child? I really can’t understand that because surely she can hire a whole force of nannies but that’s not how she wants to do things and I think Oprah is not the type who would take time off to raise her child. These women with degrees from Princeton will still have their degrees when their toddlers go off to school. I sincerely doubt these women will continue to sit at home while little Johnny or Janie is in school. The whole tone of the article bothers me. The perception is that these women have wasted their lives by taking time off. This time off is viewed as a rejection of all the academic progress they’ve made. I’m a bit pissed because I definitely feel this pull to be “successful” that means getting a higher degree from somewhere. Only then are you allowed to think about staying at home. You have to prove you have a brain first. If you know your heart and know you have no desire to be a career go getter you’re thought to be scum leaching off your husband. What if your husband leaves? What will you do then? Surprise, surprise most women who marry have held jobs before they met their husband. If he leaves she’ll just find another job. I’m also pissed at these women. Did this idea of not wanting to rule the world crop up suddenly when they had children? Didn’t any of these women know in the midst of all of their schooling that they wouldn’t be happy at the top of a corporate ladder? I’m a woman who was never seduced by the idea of power or prestige that comes from being a career woman. In my part of the world plenty of women work jobs. These women don’t have the option of dropping out because they are the sole wage earner in the family. I wonder what these women will tell their little girls? Will they insist their girls get all of the education they can to validate that they have brains or will they let their girls be content to find a man in a suit, kick back and have babies? One woman made a wonderful comment on one of the web links I posted. She asked why should she continue to subsidize women’s education if they are only going to choose to stay at home? A college degree doesn’t make for a loving parent. I think these women feel they must prove they can be educated. If a woman does as I described earlier and doesn’t complete college she is putting herself at a huge disadvantage in the eyes of most people. I like to look to people like Bill Crosby, Bill Gates, and the Wendy’s founder Dave, his last name escapes me. These people have made empires yet they dropped out of school. Our flaw in the United States is to think that only the college educated can contribute to society. In years past people could choose to be a mechanic or work in a factory and there was no need of a college education. Those days are long gone. Will they come back? These women feel they are better than a woman who has not finished her college education. I don’t agree with that. I believe in knowing your own heart. If you know you’re not cut out to be a head honcho there is no shame in that. Why take the spot at a college university if you know you don’t intend to ever use your degree? I just think it’s ignorant to spend such a huge chunk of your life acquiring lamb skins when you really don’t have any intention of using them. I feel like these women think they can pull out the lamb skin at will. It must be nice to have a lifestyle like that. The Opt-Out Revolution http://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/26/magazine/26WOMEN.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5070&en=4cf3df5eab363eb6&ex=1070773200 She says some pretty interesting things about the article. http://www.knowitallgirl.com/archives/000467.html (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:33 am	Creepy I've made an effort to find "friends." This means finding a gentlemen who'd like to take me to dinner or the like. It's hard, especially since I don't like to lie. I talked to someone yesterday who was nice. It creeped me out that they talked of visiting! Why? I noticed this tone in their voice. The tone is "I think she's sweet & innocent enough I may be able to talk her into something." I'm not stupid! Why on Earth would a single man want to fly like five states away to meet a married woman? I never give the impression I'm into monkey business. I'm lonely but I'm not looking forward to what I think is in their mind. You know it's funny they comment about my pretty hair hahaha there's a story there I won't divulge. I know the second they saw me they'd think "uhhhh look at that fat thing." Of course I don't give them my weight. Why should I? I'm only looking for a "friend." It's hard to believe in two weeks I'll be with Hubby I'm nervous thinking about it. I haven't worked to gather anything together. I'm worried about everything. I fear my purse is TOO BIG yet I just want to take it. It's so damn heavy I don't even know why? I just have a bunch of paper in it. I'm really nervous thinking about my trip I'm nervous thinking about everything. I'm really upset I didn't save that lovely photo. I think maybe I did?????? But I can't find it. I pray that I find it! (Comment on this)
9:33 am	Which State Am I? Florida is the perfect state for you. I hope you don't mind hurricanes all that much. But really though, Florida is nice. What State Is Perfect For You? brought to you by Quizilla (Comment on this)
9:01 am	Manic! $5 for 2 months isn't bad. I LIKE being able to search so I went ahead and got another 2 months worth of LJ. I'm manic because one day I believe around October 30, 2003 I saw an update with a lovely photo of a building. I know I even went to the person's page and left a comment about the photo. I thought I noted the information. I think it might have been jagiu's journal? Now they no longer have an account. I wish I would have printed that page I print everything else I have a hard time believing I didn't snag a copy!!! I do have the photo thank goodnes!! I just want to go back to the original and look at it again! I get so manic about the stupidest crap! Last night I saw figure skating. I'm a damn idiot. Instead of setting the VCR for 12 a.m. I set it for 12 p.m. I woke up at 3 a.m. & realized my mistake. I'd already taped that show once actually twice. The first VCR I got the complete show but with the second VCR I didn't get the beginning or the end of the show. I have an entire huge shopping bag full of VCR tapes why in the hell didn't I make sure I taped it? That show showcased Daria Grinkova. She's so adorable it's like painful to see her. She's so sweet and lovely I think I may have an obsession. I followed her parents careers so it's bitter sweet to watch her. I hope that show will come on yet again it aired twice. I remember when shows only came on 1 once. I guess I can look at the TV schedule. It's hard to believe it's Friday.....I'm ready. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
8:05 pm	BItchin' & Moanin' I've noticed I usually talk crap about other people so I'm going to talk crap about myself. I don't stand up for myself against people who are obviously full of themselves. I say to myself "I really don't care it's not that bit of an issue." There is this person-the same person who feels they are so high & mighty. I don't point out when they are wrong or justify. They asked me "what is that." When I left a particular place. I wanted to say "this is MY WORK and nothing of yours." I just walked out. I felt my walking out was a statement in itself. I'm not doing very well at staying on topic. I don't like how I don't make the effort to be outgoing. I think more sensitive people like me. I come off as soft & sensitive I think. People who are beligerant and rude don't care and don't get it. When I come up across people like that I don't feel the need to put them in their place. I feel if they dig a hole for me they will fall in and that has happend twice. I hope I haven't dug any holes myself. I've learned to be content with my job. At the job before this one I kept feeling there was "more to life." I didn't realize how much those extra thousand dollars come in handy. I have differnt things to be pleased with. I have my own office with a door that I can shut when I want. I didn't have that before. My drive is quick. That's nice. I'm appreciating what I have. But of course I wish I had more. I wish I would do what I know I need to do. I wish I would put my energy into making money. Gosh I'm sweating like heck. I need to go lie down with the fan on. I've become addicted to it. The noise helps me sleep I think? Strange because I remember a time when I felt it kept me up. ANYWAY sleepy time!! (Comment on this)
7:35 pm	One More Day I'm listening to Artist: The Fairfield Orchestra / Thomas Crawford / Michelle Makarski / Keith Jarrett CD Title: Bridge of Light Label: ECM Records Composer: Keith Jarrett Year: 1994 This is from today's npr show. I feel, headachy & crampy. I'm too darn lazy to look for the ibuprofen so I just took three baby asprin. Don't ask me why I have baby asprin. Asprin upsets my stomach but that stuff brings back good memories. I really just want to apologize if I've offended anyone with my posts. It's really funny I feel the need to apologize. I can be very opinionated. I suppose usually people just say "I'm a bitch!" If you don't like it don't read but I'm just not that harsh. My comments about single mothers are just that comments. Mainly I'm directing comments at a particular person I know. I'm addressing my posts to women who knowingly made bad choices. I suppose no one goes out to deliberately ruin their or their child's life. The other day the person told their baby to come greet me and they did. I picked them up & asked them who that was & they said "mommy." It broke my heart. The fact that I thought "well she just shouldn't have had them." I'm really sorry I felt that way. This whole issue is so hard to think about. I'll go this far and say I made mistakes in my past. If my punishment is that I can't have children then I'll accept it and not feel overly emotional. It's a chance women take. I remember hearing about Casey Kasem's wife. She got pregnant like thirteen times and had many miscarriages. I told my husband I'd get pregnant 100 times to have children. I just don't know. We are so far from where I want us to be. I know there are women who are sterile and who are deveastated. I wouldn't be devistated. I know my whole adoption issue plays into this. I wonder how some women can have children and be so attached to them and I wonder about women who can have multiple children to just sign them over to the state. In my case "emotional problems" were sited. That sounds so much better than "mental illness." Is Mental Illness the same as having emotional problems? I can relate to emotional problems. I'm so tired. I'm trying to remember if I took benyadril. I did. I have two days worth of events where I feel I should dress semi professionally. That is so hard for me. Today I was looking for this pearl t-shirt I got from Speigel. I hate it when I lose things. I KNOW it's here but I have no idea where. I have this aversion to cleaning. I'd like to I really would but I just can't seem to get it done. I have yarn, patterns, magazines, underwear & basically clutter all over I can't even see the bedroom floor. I have this deep need to "keep" whatever it is. I love when I look for something and I finally find it but I also want to look for things and I never find them...so I have to have multiple items. Back to the mothering issue. Logically I know that not every woman feels that she can plan how her life is mapped out. I was raised by a single parent due to divorce. I'm thankful for all that I have but I can't stop thinking what both parents could have had together if they would have stayed together. I see them both older now and alone. People sometimes think that I'm saying to find someone, anyone and just stay. I'm saying to open your heart. Husband and I had a wonderful conversation today. I told him he tells me he likes my shoes because he likes what I like because he loves me so much. I told him in 20 years he would say he didn't like what I like & be like a normal man. He asked if he'd been like that this first year. I said no & he said I'd changed too I don't want to see him hurting. I suppose so. I can see how he loves me so much. (Comment on this)